I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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