dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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