I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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