Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
