i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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