That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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