Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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