She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
