I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
