I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
