Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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