There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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