My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
