Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
