Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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