alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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