sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I love having hate sex.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
