yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
