My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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