if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
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