You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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