im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
