My balls are so social today.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
