I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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