listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
