I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
