If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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