Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
