Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
