thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
