i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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