I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You had me at "let me see your balls"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
