Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
