OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
