My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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