He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
