I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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