The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
