New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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