well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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