3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
