a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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