If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
