Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
