She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
