I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
