she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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