bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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