I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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