I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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