I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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