I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
