I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
