Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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