I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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