Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
