I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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