I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
