so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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