Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
