i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
